[ There are a lot of things that Jayce has been bottling up and his mother has always warned him not to, because she knows her son and that he lets things fester, that he would rather let his feelings overwhelm him and hope that it goes away rather than address it. When he has the time to actually think through what he wants to say, usually he can be very concise, like when he took on Heimerdinger, with both passion and logic. But he's had a very difficult emotional time lately. A lot of things have boiled to the surface. He's in pain.
Leaving situations that are difficult 'to think' is one of his anxiety moves, but this time it was an explosion of emotion instead. And he didn't stay in Horizon, too easy to find him and walk down more memory paths, and he intentionally avoided their common spaces because when Jayce is in this state, he isn't fully able to stop his feelings from bubbling over. Physical labor always helps him. He goes to the forge and starts on what should be tomorrow's work, and when Lee gets in and sees he's made things overnight, maybe she will consider him a 'go-getter' and it'll look good for him. Either way, he needs it. The exertion helps put his anger and hurt feelings in a direction.
Jayce is shirtless because safety hazards are not of interest to him and the clear clanging of him hammering on metal can be heard from the outside. Luckily Lee doesn't live here, or she'd come yelling at him, rightfully so. Jayce is working on a sword and he's sweaty from basically going too hard since the moment he got there. It does usually purge his worst feelings. Or tire him out to the point where he doesn't have it in him to be upset anymore.
He didn't think Viktor would go looking for him, otherwise he might have felt guilty and stayed in an easy place. He assumed when he went home, he'd have to deal with the aftermath. It wasn't an intentional choice to give him any trouble, Jayce just needed a place to vent. He pauses on a swing when he hears Viktor, startled, and glances over toward him. He sets the blade to the side, unfinished for now, the guilt turning his stomach to heavy lead.
He can't look straight at him or he's going to end up apologizing until he can't talk anymore, so he instead swallows it down.]
[Viktor shuffles in another few steps, though he still seems a bit tentative, as if he doesn't want to commit to a full-on intrusion. He'll take cues from Jayce, at least to start, but he's always been unapologetic about speaking his mind. He can certainly do that from the entryway.
This forge, unfortunately, exists in the real world and the whole room is sweltering. He stops himself, again, from making a comment about Jayce's lack of safety protocols, when it comes to working without protective equipment, but that feels like it would be hypocritical, at this point. Still, Viktor's eyes travel over him, buying him just a few more seconds while he works up the nerve to say his piece. After a moment, he begins--measured, practiced.]
I've been unkind to you. Not just about this, but about other things, as well. You're allowed to be upset with me.
[The last thing he wants is for anyone to treat him differently, or fail to hold him responsible. Viktor has just spent so long expecting other people to disappoint him that sometimes it's easier to preempt it, and his mistake (or one of them, anyway) had been counting Jayce among those people. He's still not sure he's ready forgive his actions as part of the Council, but he can at least admit that he was wrong, to lie.
There's no manual, when it comes to figuring out how to grieve for yourself. He'd become so singularly focused on his breakthrough, so embittered by the fact that everyone else seemed so ready to mourn him, that all he could think was that he needed to do everything he possibly could to stay alive. In doing so, he'd missed what he already had.]
In my urgency to save myself, I didn't consider the possible repercussions of my actions. What it would have done to you, if I'd failed and left you to deal with the aftermath.
[Viktor rarely apologies--he's usually too self-assured, too convinced that he is logical and level-headed and correct in any given situation, but he's seen the memory. He apparently went ahead with the procedure, and something went wrong, and then he'd asked Jayce to destroy the Hexcore and let him die.]
[ Jayce looks broad with his clothes on, but shirtless every sculpted muscle is on display and ripples when he moves. He sets the hammer down, already making plans to close everything down soon so Viktor doesn't have to stand in the uncomfortable heat for long. Unless they're about to fight, in which case who knows how long they'll be in the same space. Jayce does expect maybe a fight; Viktor rarely apologizes, so he's genuinely shocked when that's the tone Viktor goes into his mini-speech with.
Unkind. Maybe. They've both made mistakes. Viktor doesn't know to the extent of how far Jayce went, and he will tell him, for certain. This is probably Viktor's only unkind thing in Jayce's mind, because it hurts, because even now he's uncertain his friend really gets it. He shakes his head and crosses the room to get a towel, he's covered in oil and sweat and he always tries to wash off before being around Viktor. ]
That night I sat by your bedside and I tortured myself for hours over what I did wrong. I counted every one of your breaths and I thought about the lengths I would go to for your life. But I also thought about how long you knew. You say urgency, but it wasn't always urgent, was it? You shrugged off my questions about your health as it deteriorated, and I told myself, it's fine, he would tell me if it was serious. He wouldn't lie to me about something that important.
[ Jayce wipes his face off first and puts the towel around his neck, stepping closer to Viktor. He is careful not to get too close, for a variety of reasons, and also doesn't want to tower either. He is so sad, and it all shows. The grief on every line in his face. ]
I love you, V.
[ Firmly said without any regret. Love can mean many things and he doesn't see a problem with claiming all kinds of versions of it. As if his love for Viktor isn't well-known. As if he's ever really tried to hide it in its pure form.]
It broke my heart, the idea that you would leave me without any answers. But yeah I feel like I can't be mad at you because it's me putting the burden of my feelings on your already heavy shoulders, so it's wrong. You shouldn't have to waste your energy on me. But at the same time, I wish you would.
No, stop. You can't keep blaming yourself for that night in the lab. It isn't your job to check up on me.
[He doesn't want to be checked up on, feeling the same pang of humiliation he felt on the bridge, the deep-seated pride he harbors in spite of everything. The thought that Jayce sat at his bedside the night he collapsed, thinking about what he might have done to prevent that, well. It's all misplaced. Viktor is an adult. He can take responsibility for his own actions, even ones that end with him unconscious on the floor.
Of course, now he's being forced to acknowledge what that does to other people--to Jayce, arguably the only person whose opinion he really cares about. It's a hard pill to swallow, and his partner's truly distressed expression doesn't help.
Jayce loves him--of course he does. Jayce feels everything so thoroughly and so overtly that it all spills out all the time, in the way he acts, in the way he reaches out for Viktor to put a hand on his shoulder or at his lower back. It's impossible, at this point, not to know this singular truth about him. Still, Viktor fills in convenient, unspoken qualifiers. Like family. Like my brother. Love in the way best friends love each other and care for each other. Entertaining anything else is too painful to think about, so he files it away like he's done with the mental image of that hammer, something he's not sure he'll ever be ready to ask about.
He takes another few steps forward, seemingly undaunted by their height difference. Back on the bridge, Jayce had loomed over him. Now, Viktor stays standing, looking up to meet his eyes, unintimidated.]
I need you to understand what it's like, to have everyone look at you and talk to you like you're already dead.
[Heimerdinger, eulogizing him to his face. The Council, hardly sparing him a glance on the best days, making decisions with Jayce about Hextech like he isn't even there, or wouldn't have an opinion, or wouldn't also have the knowledge to safeguard it. The rest of Piltover, who barely knows he exists, because acknowledging him would force them to grapple with an inconvenient truth: that a Zaunite was both responsible for their prosperity, and careening towards a premature death as a result of their careless governing. Some of it was denial, of course. A chronic cough isn't much to worry about, not when it's to be expected, given where he came from. When the symptoms are so gradual, it just seemed easier to keep ignoring them, in favor of what's more important. In the process, however, he'd allowed himself to avoid confronting an uncomfortable reality.
A mistake, obviously. But one he can't exactly walk back, at this point, so all he can do is try to explain.]
I have spent my whole life trying to be recognized as more than, than this. [A vague gesture to himself--his body, and all of its inadequacies.] Our work, Jayce--our partnership, is, it's the most important thing in my life. I couldn't stand the thought of you looking at me and seeing only my illness. It would have distracted us from everything we needed to accomplish.
It's not my job, it's not work to care about you or worry about you. That's just friendship.
[ Jayce may not have a lot of friends, he really and truly is not as popular as anyone thinks. Maybe in a generic outside way, that people respect and admire him as a symbolic figure, but it doesn't translate to deep relationships. But he still knows what friendship is, he knows how he feels about Viktor, Caitlyn, and Mel, and how those relationships are fundamental to who he is. And while his feelings also very, very complicated when it comes to Mel, they are in their purest form with Viktor.
He loves him without designations, it's general, he loves Viktor and all the things that make up who he is. From his brilliance to his stubbornness, even when they're struggling with the latter, he's such a unique and special individual, someone who has taken all of Jayce's heart from that night. The fact he's in love with him too is a part of the whole, and while he can't help but long for Viktor sometimes, desire to be everything to him, it also can be bottled up. And they can still be this to each other, partners, best friends. It's not a loss, as long as he has a part of him.
Jayce does know the disrespect and obliviousness of the Piltover toward Viktor, and he's tried to push it into their heads that Viktor is as important as he is, he's made sure to mention him in every conversation about Hextech, but there just is no way to make people stop being prejudiced. But he can't understand how it feels to Viktor, and he wants to, he listens to him, he tries to hear him.
Jayce is imposing but he rarely means to be, and he feels like they're on the same level, even if he's looking down a few inches at Viktor.]
I have never looked at you and seen those things. I look at you and I see your mind. You are the smartest person I have ever met. I see your dry humor and your dedication and the type of confidence I envy. Being around you is like being next to the sun, you're so bright and brilliant and getting your attention is overwhelming in the best way. I'm addicted to your attention.
[ This is one of those times when Jayce really cannot help the way he looks at him, with open adoration, with a faint wistful smile on his face. That intense sincerity softened with tender emotion. ]
You didn't just save my life, you made my life what it is. You being sick and dying only means that I could lose my sun, but that's not how I see you. And that would have always been true if you gave me the chance.
[ Jayce runs fingers through sweaty dark hair, knowing that maybe he's gone too far with his admiration, but it's just how it is. So be it. ]
But here's the thing, Vik. You're making friends here, and they care about you, and they're not blind. A few people have asked me why you look unwell, and I've lied for you, and I've done pretty well, for me.
[ Because Jayce is a very, very bad liar, but he's managed to basically mix in enough truth with the shrug off for it to work. ]
And I know you're going to be mad they asked, but that's what happens when you let people into your life, they care what happens to you. Maybe you don't feel like you owe anyone an explanation, but crazy idea, you could consider letting people you care about in, just a little. Not everyone is going to let you down.
[ Jayce reaches out and touches Viktor's arm, just a light tap, and a wry smile. ]
But if you let all of them in before you let me, I'm going to take your cane and hit you with it.
[Viktor is self-assured, yes, but he's not very good at taking compliments, even from Jayce. In fact, maybe it's even worse coming from Jayce, because he knows that he means it and also he's the only person whose opinion Viktor really cares about. Jayce says that Viktor's attention is addictive, but he clearly doesn't know how magnetic he is, in turn. Having all of this trained on him, singularly, is overwhelming. His tone of voice, his stare, entirely fond. He doesn't know what to do with that, and ordinarily his kneejerk response would be to put up another wall, but he's trying not to do that. Not when they're the only thing they have, in this strange world, removed from everything they used to know. They're still sorting all this out. He imagines they will continue to sort things out for the foreseeable future.
He can tell Jayce is avoiding touching him, more than the usual fleeting touches to the arm, probably to make sure he doesn't scare Viktor off. He'll fill that void instead, reaching out to put the flat of his palm against Jayce's face, thumb rubbing across his cheek once, back and forth.]
Listen to how ridiculous you sound. [A sharp pat, and then his hand is gone. Viktor is turning away, putting a few steps of distance between them.] The sun? Honestly.
[Everyone knows that's Jayce, and Viktor is more than content with their respective positions. He's pretending to scoff at it, but half the reason he's turning away is so that Jayce can't see the little smile that pulls at his own face.]
If my new friends are so concerned about my health, they can ask me directly. You can tell them that, so you don't need to lie.
[Maybe he appreciates the effort, but it rankles him just the same, the thought that as soon as he tells anyone about what's happening, they'll see only a ticking clock. Even Jayce, for all his best efforts, is lying on his behalf when Viktor never asked for that.]
[ Jayce intellectually understands that it is likely good that they are talking things out, rather than leaving them to fester. It may very well have been part of what got them out of sync, and that is the opposite of what he wants now. It still feels uncomfortable to say what he's been avoiding, and he hates feeling like he's applying any pressure to Viktor, not when he has so much on his plate, but Jayce feels things strongly. He isn't good at pushing them down. Talking about the things he loves about Viktor is easy and honest; he could write an essay about him.
Viktor so rarely is the one who touches him, he can count on one hand how many times it's happened, so Jayce is genuinely surprised when he reaches out. And then it is something tender. More personal than an arm touch. Jayce has never dared to touch Viktor's face like this, although he's thought about it many times. He is a starving man given crumbs and since he knows this will be brief, he lets himself lean into the touch. It's almost a caress. If he could bottle this moment up for the rest of his life, he would.
He expected it to be brief because it's Viktor, but he does feel bereft when it's gone, and Viktor turning away and putting distance between them again means he misses the look of disappointment on Jayce's face. It's still something he will be so glad about though. It's probably for the best he did that. Jayce might have done something stupid. ]
Yes, the sun. Sorry, it's my compliment. You can't take it back.
[ Jayce knows his titltes, his nicknames, he knows people think he's a rising star. He has a strong presence, he isn't oblivious to the things that makes him popular. But again, it only really matters if the right people feel that way. Caitlyn loves to mock him, after all, but he knows she loves him all the same. She might not after she finds out. She didn't want him to hurt anyone. She was right. ]
Maybe they will. You must be overheated, just step out into the front room, I'll be there in a few minutes, okay?
[ Jayce gestures. There is a less sweltering part and now Jayce knows Viktor was looking for him. He's not going to make him talk in there. Besides, he's still dealing with the cheek, and it'll help him take a few minutes to clean up so he isn't dripping unattractively with sweat. He also has to shut the place down, he can complete it in the morning, he has to get Viktor home so he'll actually sleep.
As promised, Jayce reappears with his hair slick but mostly dried off, although his button-up white shirt is loose and undone, leaving the front part of his chest still revealed. He's still a little overheated but he'll finish it before they go outside. It gives Jayce time to sort of breathe out what he's feeling, which is a lot. ]
I'm sorry I ran. [ Now it's his turn to get to that part. ] I don't want to burden you with my issues.
[Viktor keeps it brief on purpose, knowing full well that any lingering, especially this close, could end with one or both of them doing something they might regret (well, something he might regret--he's pretty sure Jayce wouldn't regret it. All the more reason not to). The face Jayce makes at his touch is proof enough of that, so he puts some distance between them, still managing to roll his eyes when Jayce doubles down.]
If you say so.
[He's not overheating--it's hard enough for him to maintain temperature on good days, but he understands that Jayce both needs a moment to close up, and to process all this, probably. They seem to have reached some kind of momentary understanding, so Viktor feels a little better about going outside to wait. He can be patient.
When Jayce emerges, Viktor is waiting for him, seated on a bench outside the shop. He reaches for his crutch, but doesn't move to stand, just in case Jayce wants to continue the conversation here. When he opens with an apology, Viktor lets out a sigh and shakes his head.]
I don't want you to apologize for having feelings, Jayce. What I told you was...it did not reflect well on me. [An understatement, really.] I was dishonest. You're allowed to be upset.
[ Jayce has spent years making himself not kiss Viktor, so he is pretty practiced at it, but it's different when Viktor is the one who closed the space between them like that. Viktor's touches have meaning and he is trying not to read too much into it, for now. They still have some stuff to work out, and Viktor's life to save. But he will definitely remember the feel of those long fingers caressing across his cheek, soft and affectionate.
He considers whether to get them walking or not, and instead decides to come over and sit on the other side of the bench. Jayce rubs a hand across his heavy eyebrows, shrugging. ]
Alright, I'm upset. I'm hurt and devastated. It's still new to me. I didn't exactly have the time to come to terms with anything, everything was moving so fast.
[ That's probably the truest part of all of this. That a lot happened to them in a short amount of time, and Jayce hasn't had the time to actually react to it let alone come to any healthy state of mind on the issue. He thought the worst thing would be juggling being a scientist and a politician. He's not sure he's cut out for a complicated life, but it is what was handed to him, and he also never let things be. The city of progress. The man of progress.
Viktor doesn't even know how much just a day or so changed everything else too, he saw the terrible effect on his own health, but that's only part of the puzzle. It's a lot. And Viktor's running out of time, but he isn't to that level yet. They still have time. ]
We can't change what happened.
[ If he could, he would. He would not have been a dick on that bridge, he would have paid more attention to Viktor's struggles instead of trying to control everything on his end, and letting his emotions get the better of him. ]
I'm not going to stop you from experimenting on yourself, I'm going to help you do it safely and with backup. We're going to find a way to save your life.
[ He is unable to accept any other options. He doesn't care what Viktor said in that memory, maybe at that point in time it was the only way. They are in a new situation here, he is back to having that aggressive sense of hope and desperation. ]
But like you said, you didn't consider the repercussions of your actions and what it would mean for me. The trade-off of having people who love you is you have to consider their feelings. I hope you'll keep that in mind going forward.
[He's not sure who could have handled any of it better. He doesn't blame Jayce for his actions, not when so much was thrust on his shoulders, to say nothing of Viktor's own condition. Too much all at once, and everyone did what they felt they needed to do, in increasingly impossible circumstances.
Stil, it's tempting to rebut some of Jayce's statements, though Viktor knows he's done enough. He needs to sit, and listen, and choose his words carefully. Re-affirm his commitment to their partnership. To keeping each other on the same page, because that's how they work best. He does, however, take umbrage with one thing, and he's never been one not to voice his opinion, if he feels it has merit.]
You could make it sound like less of a lecture.
[He swallows, and nods in agreement. There are more unkind things to say, like why should he have to consider everyone else's feelings when people rarely offer him the same courtesy, but he bites it down. Viktor realizes that what he intended to do was reckless, and apparently did have severe consequences. Underneath his stubbornness is real regret, for putting Jayce into that kind of situation, even though from his perspective, he hasn't done it yet.
But--Jayce isn't telling him to stop. He seems to understand that if Viktor wants to save his own life, he needs to test the methods on himself. That's surprising, maybe, though Viktor himself had said that Jayce would understand. Maybe this is what it looks like.]
I can recreate my notes, from the intended experiment. Perhaps you could take a look. See if I missed anything. [Then, after another moment of consideration--] I was reckless, and hurt you because of it. I won't have that happen again. I owe you that much.
[ Viktor had a long time to process his own health, but Jayce doesn't have to bring that up, they both know. And knowing you may have little time isn't the same thing as experiencing the end of it. It's a petty thing to bring up so he doesn't. Viktor was just trying to do the best with the time he had, everything he did was for that reason. Jayce really does understand, even if it hurts him on a personal level.
He looks startled at that push back, eyebrows furrowing. ]
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. Maybe I'm being condescending without realizing it, I just got here, and you have all these connections, and you've ... really only had me for years. And our relationship isn't the relationship you'll have with everyone. I thought maybe it would be helpful, to give my ... emotional insight, in case you bump into more of this in the future.
[ As usual, Jayce's intentions are good, but not always executed well. He'll probably always have that arrogant streak, thinking he knows best, even if he is humbled through him very, very much being wrong on that fact. He's utterly sincere in what he's saying though, as usual. He and Viktor have always had a particular relationship that nothing can mirror, and every one of Viktor's new friends will have a different approach. After a beat he smiles wryly, rolling his eyes. At himself. ]
As if I know better. With my total three friends back home.
[ Jayce is good at crowds. He's good at socializing and winning people over with his easy warmth and passion. So in that sense, he is really good at understanding people. But that doesn't mean he understands interpersonal relationships any better. Caitlyn's been his adopted sister figure for years, Mel and him are more complicated than friends, and then there's Viktor. So yeah, he's being condescending, probably. ]
V, you don't owe me anything. And I'm not saying I'm innocent. I mean, I was awful to you on the bridge, and I hurt you enough not to trust in me because of it. We both have to do better.
[ There's also that other thing he hasn't mentioned yet, in his list of really shitty actions, but they'll get there. For now Jayce doesn't want to make it seem like he's above the situation. He's very flawed, he's always been, and Viktor has always seen his flaws clear as day. It's just harder sometimes to see one's own flaws. He reaches out to gently touch Viktor's shirt at the elbow and tugs it playfully, before letting it go. Still being so careful. ]
We've taken our relationship for granted. It's always been so easy. We'll figure it out.
[ And will he ever stop calling them a relationship rather than any qualifying versions of ship no he will not, you will never make him. ]
[Ah, so, it's back to this again. He knows it's not easy, to be new here, with Viktor having a head start, then to find out he was being less-than-honest, on top of that? He feels a pang of guilt--unsurprising, that Jayce would take everything particularly hard. But he meant it when he said it earlier--Jayce is irreplaceable, even meeting so many new people from countless other worlds.]
I know how to have friends, Jayce. [Knows how to care about people, ostensibly. Sometimes, however, he's a little lacking in the way he shows it. His sickness and preoccupation with it certainly hasn't helped.] Did you think you were the first?
[Well. Actually. Maybe that's true, at least insofar as an intellectual equal is concerned. Jayce had been the first who could really match him step for step, and he's never stopped being glad for it. Once he had that, of course, what other friends did he need? It certainly didn't help that once he had Jayce, he felt less of a need to perform for the Academy--for Piltover itself--and focused singularly on the work they were doing. A life before Jayce seems like it was lived by someone else, at this point, but it existed nonetheless.
Still, he's not going to harp on it. Jayce has apologized both for the little lecture and for his behavior on the bridge, and though Viktor can't deny that the latter spoke to a broader misunderstanding, the social structure of home and all of the repercussions of it are both behind them now. It seems best to start over, on the same team. They've always been better that way. Viktor indulges the touch, leaning into it a little so their shoulders are touching as they sit on the bench.]
We have a second chance, now. We'll do better this time.
We've been in each other's pockets for seven years, I think I would have known if you had other friends.
[ Viktor is private so possibly he could 'hide' friends but Jayce doubts that. He doesn't know if he had friends before him, he just knows that once they had each other, that was more or less it for them. And considering Jayce's three 'friends' includes his sister figure and his lover, it's not as if he's sought out many other connections either.
Jayce is insecure, this is something they are aware of. He is confident to a point, but he's plagued by doubts and uncertainty, and never more so now that he feels out of control. It's not Viktor's problem, but he's floundering a bit. He'll get there, once he balances out and gets his focuses all set up. His hands move to start buttoning up his shirt. ]
It's important you know that I'm really glad you have friends, you've always deserved more recognition and attention than you were given. I've believed that from day one. They're really good people. I'm just ... [ He waves a hand, he does that a lot while talking and trying to get out what he's thinking. ] Having more time to process everything that happened recently. It's bringing a lot of feelings up.
[ They have more time to sit in their feelings, or at least Jayce does, and that isn't a bad thing necessarily, it just might have some growing pains now that he's forced to sit down and cope with things that he was pushing off. Like his feelings about Viktor's illness and his terror of losing him. And other things he hasn't communicated yet, because he really is sort of reacting as he goes. ]
Even if I seemed distant, I was obsessed with finding a way to save your life, I thought about it constantly. I didn't want to burden you with my fear until I had a solution or any helpful ideas.
[ He glances over at Viktor, bumping his shoulder gently, looking at that beloved set of details in his face Jayce has stared at for years. ]
We'll do it here. I know we will. I feel it in my gut.
[A whole twenty-five years of one, even. But, maybe he's just trying to convince himself that everything before Jayce was somehow worthwhile, so he says it as gently and as jokingly as possible. Viktor has always been just fine on his own, and he doesn't need Jayce to worry about his capacity to maintain interpersonal relationships. Still, he hasn't exactly been the person he's wanted to be in the last few years, but that's what happens when you spend all your time worrying about your own ticking clock.
He doesn't think he can manage Jayce's grief on top of his own, but it's true that neither of them have really had any time to process. Even knowing it was coming, Viktor himself had allowed himself no time to really absorb his diagnosis, beyond fishing for some measure of comfort from his mentor and finding none. After that, it was back to work--he wasn't sure what else to do, but he knew he wasn't ready to give up.
So it's only natural that all of this is coming out now, when the two of them finally have a moment to breathe. Viktor shifts a little--turns his body at an angle to better watch Jayce's expression, eyebrows knitting together in slight concern. He's been more tactile than usual, recently, but all he can do is hope that he won't go so far as to do something he might regret. Viktor can feel himself pushing that boundary as he puts his hand between Jayce's shoulders for once, but it feels right in this moment, to be this close.]
I know you're afraid of losing me. [I'm afraid of being gone, is what he doesn't say, though he knows it isn't the same thing. Once all is said and done, he won't have any awareness of the void he'll leave. He simply won't exist--Jayce is the one who will need to pick up the pieces.] But I'm not going to leave you if I can help it. I promise.
Is it bad I barely think of life before Hextech? I guess that makes me a workaholic. But that doesn't mean I should assume you think the same way.
[ Jayce had a life too, technically a pretty engaging one, he's talked to Viktor about the mage, about his time in the desert, about a lot of his past, but it was always about his way to Hextech. His dream. And then when he and Viktor succeeded, that was everything. So apparently he's tunnel-visioned not only his own life, but Viktor's too. He can be a real oblivious idiot, something they both know. He's caught up in his own drama yet again.
Usually one unexpected touch from Viktor is a meal he could feed on for months, the cheek would be enough for a year typically, but he keeps surprising him. He's a starving man and so Viktor's attempts to show him comfort work in a way nothing else really could. Jayce often shows his affection and comfort in touches to the arms, back, anything Viktor would let him, but he's never expected it back or asked for it.
He can't help but lean into it, like a flower toward the sun, but Jayce too is smart, careful not to look at him, knowing doing so would put them too close. He has to focus on what he can ask for or he can accept. Instead of turning, he simply rests his head to the side, briefly leaning their heads together, still within boundaries while taking in every bit of that affection.]
I'm sorry you have to comfort me when it's something you're going through. But I appreciate it all the same. There are no distractions here, nothing keeping us from finding the solution together.
[ Jayce knows he's the one who was distracted, but he's apologized, and they didn't end up doing it together like they should have, because of both of them. That was there, when there was just too much going on and dividing them. They don't have that here. They have each other the way they should have always. In a way this is a blessing in disguise. ]
I won't lose you.
[ Jayce says it in the way he does most things when he is firm and determined and that passion within him seems to never be able to fade. He says it like he means it, like damn anything that tries to get in his way. He will fight tooth and nail to finish his goal. ]
I want us to still be bickering over equations when we've got silver in our hair and you rolling your eyes at me until we both need reading glasses.
[ Jayce has always seen them as older men together; maybe not that old, but a reasonable lifetime. Distinguished. Still brilliant but maybe grown out of some of their youthful issues. ]
But ... that's still what I want. What do you want?
Please stop apologizing. Let me just...have this. For a moment.
[That's the closest he'll get to admitting that he needs this too, even though it's not bad or weak, to want comfort. If any situation calls for it, it's this one. Viktor, for all he pushes people away, desperately finds himself wanting it as well, and this closeness--the way Jayce leans into him in his sort of half-embrace--it's what he thinks he was missing. Physical contact isn't going to fix anything, but it is nice, to take a breath and just be, removed from all the distractions and complications that have made everything so fraught.
He'll even go so far to admit that this is nice. They lean against each other and Viktor shifts, to better settle him against his shoulder and rest his chin on top of Jayce's bowed head. His hand creeps slowly, experimentally, from between Jayce's shoulder blades to the nape of his neck, tips of his fingers daring to brush against his hairline.
There's that fantasy again--the one he couldn't even conceive of, because somehow he always knew he would be racing against time. Jayce talks about a world where they're older, distinguished researchers with full careers and an innumerable list of world-changing innovations behind them, and Viktor isn't certain he can even picture himself the way Jayce's describes. The first time he mentioned this, it had been surprising. The second time, well. It hurts. That he's thought this and dreamed up a whole future for them, together, that Viktor can't have.]
I want--
[What does he want?
He wants to stay like this for a little while longer. He wants to see what happens if he tilts his head just inches, enough to put his mouth against Jayce's temple while his head rests against his shoulder. He wants to ask Jayce what he really meant, when he said I love you, V. He wants to live, obviously. Wants to cure his illness and have all the time he needs to change the world for the better. Wants to reverse-engineer the ritual that brought them here and get home, where he'll be the most useful, where he can make sure that what happened to him never happens to anyone else, ever again.
He doesn't act on the impulse, as effortless as it would be. His hand stays where it is. He doesn't say any of those things.]
I want to work, for as long as I can. I want to solve this. [So that, maybe, they can have the future that Jayce dreams about, because he thinks he wants that, too.] But, Jayce-- [Viktor thinks he's been clear about not wanting to give up, at least not yet, and they've done the impossible before. They might still do it, but this is the hard part. What they weren't able to talk about, at home, because neither of them had any time.] When I tell you it's time to stop, we have to stop. I need you to be ready for that.
[ Jayce is surprised by the way that Viktor frames it. 'Let me just have this.' As if this is for Viktor too, and he is getting something out of it, and it makes his heart pound in his chest. It only gets worse when Viktor's fingers brush at his nape and he tries to keep his breathing steady and calm. He focuses on how nice it feels instead. How Jayce's head naturally settles onto Viktor's shoulder once it's allowed and then Viktor's chin is on his hair, and his eyes close, settling into this moment as if it is made of pure bliss. The stuff of dreams.
He says nothing, he basks in it. And it makes sense, it's not as if this comfort is one-sided. Viktor knows Jayce loves him, that he is devoted to him, and they both need this. Jayce has wanted to give him comfort before, but he's always been afraid to do more than touch his arm or his back. It's easier that it is Viktor's choice, that he is willingly giving it and asking for it.
It makes Jayce bold enough that he reaches out to take Viktor's other hand in his. He doesn't go so far as to thread their fingers together, but he does hold it. He does think about how easy it would be to turn his head. What it would be like to nuzzle Viktor's neck, so close, press his lips against the soft skin. But it's a fleeting thought. Jayce is far more about embracing what he is being allowed. Points of contact, and they feel great. Soothing. He's happy, despite all the pain.
He didn't expect Viktor to answer mostly because it seems so nebulous, to put wants out there like that, but Jayce's breath does get sucked in quickly when Viktor mentions them stopping. He wants to say no. He wants to say don't, please. Jayce lets his breath out slowly and squeezes Viktor's hand. ]
I will be. I'm with you, to whatever end.
[ If it's the end he dreams of, decades from now, that is ideal, but if it is a few months from now, he will have to live with that. And he will be the one that will have to live with it. The point is Jayce is loyal, he is going to stand by Viktor no matter what. If he has to watch him waste away, he will, but he isn't ready to give up.
His thumb caresses the back of Viktor's hand gently. ]
[It's a lot to ask--almost too much--and it isn't lost on Viktor that Jayce has effectively, gone through this twice. That's how he knows he'll agree, if and when the time comes--he's seen it himself, thanks to the strange exchange of memories.
Truthfully, he doesn't need to be asked if they can stay like this. He's exhausted, not just from trying to find Jayce, but from sharing that memory and trying to process everything in the aftermath. The hand is unexpected, but he supposes that subject matter like this calls for it. If Jayce wants to further ground himself, given everything they're both struggling with, Viktor isn't going to deny him. He thinks he could probably fall asleep like this, but upright on a bench is not exactly conducive to physical comfort. They'll head home, eventually. For now, however, this is enough.]
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zvi
no subject
Date: 2022-04-21 06:35 pm (UTC)Leaving situations that are difficult 'to think' is one of his anxiety moves, but this time it was an explosion of emotion instead. And he didn't stay in Horizon, too easy to find him and walk down more memory paths, and he intentionally avoided their common spaces because when Jayce is in this state, he isn't fully able to stop his feelings from bubbling over. Physical labor always helps him. He goes to the forge and starts on what should be tomorrow's work, and when Lee gets in and sees he's made things overnight, maybe she will consider him a 'go-getter' and it'll look good for him. Either way, he needs it. The exertion helps put his anger and hurt feelings in a direction.
Jayce is shirtless because safety hazards are not of interest to him and the clear clanging of him hammering on metal can be heard from the outside. Luckily Lee doesn't live here, or she'd come yelling at him, rightfully so. Jayce is working on a sword and he's sweaty from basically going too hard since the moment he got there. It does usually purge his worst feelings. Or tire him out to the point where he doesn't have it in him to be upset anymore.
He didn't think Viktor would go looking for him, otherwise he might have felt guilty and stayed in an easy place. He assumed when he went home, he'd have to deal with the aftermath. It wasn't an intentional choice to give him any trouble, Jayce just needed a place to vent. He pauses on a swing when he hears Viktor, startled, and glances over toward him. He sets the blade to the side, unfinished for now, the guilt turning his stomach to heavy lead.
He can't look straight at him or he's going to end up apologizing until he can't talk anymore, so he instead swallows it down.]
Yes.
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Date: 2022-04-21 09:55 pm (UTC)This forge, unfortunately, exists in the real world and the whole room is sweltering. He stops himself, again, from making a comment about Jayce's lack of safety protocols, when it comes to working without protective equipment, but that feels like it would be hypocritical, at this point. Still, Viktor's eyes travel over him, buying him just a few more seconds while he works up the nerve to say his piece. After a moment, he begins--measured, practiced.]
I've been unkind to you. Not just about this, but about other things, as well. You're allowed to be upset with me.
[The last thing he wants is for anyone to treat him differently, or fail to hold him responsible. Viktor has just spent so long expecting other people to disappoint him that sometimes it's easier to preempt it, and his mistake (or one of them, anyway) had been counting Jayce among those people. He's still not sure he's ready forgive his actions as part of the Council, but he can at least admit that he was wrong, to lie.
There's no manual, when it comes to figuring out how to grieve for yourself. He'd become so singularly focused on his breakthrough, so embittered by the fact that everyone else seemed so ready to mourn him, that all he could think was that he needed to do everything he possibly could to stay alive. In doing so, he'd missed what he already had.]
In my urgency to save myself, I didn't consider the possible repercussions of my actions. What it would have done to you, if I'd failed and left you to deal with the aftermath.
[Viktor rarely apologies--he's usually too self-assured, too convinced that he is logical and level-headed and correct in any given situation, but he's seen the memory. He apparently went ahead with the procedure, and something went wrong, and then he'd asked Jayce to destroy the Hexcore and let him die.]
This was unfair of me. I'm sorry, Jayce.
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Date: 2022-04-22 12:35 am (UTC)Unkind. Maybe. They've both made mistakes. Viktor doesn't know to the extent of how far Jayce went, and he will tell him, for certain. This is probably Viktor's only unkind thing in Jayce's mind, because it hurts, because even now he's uncertain his friend really gets it. He shakes his head and crosses the room to get a towel, he's covered in oil and sweat and he always tries to wash off before being around Viktor. ]
That night I sat by your bedside and I tortured myself for hours over what I did wrong. I counted every one of your breaths and I thought about the lengths I would go to for your life. But I also thought about how long you knew. You say urgency, but it wasn't always urgent, was it? You shrugged off my questions about your health as it deteriorated, and I told myself, it's fine, he would tell me if it was serious. He wouldn't lie to me about something that important.
[ Jayce wipes his face off first and puts the towel around his neck, stepping closer to Viktor. He is careful not to get too close, for a variety of reasons, and also doesn't want to tower either. He is so sad, and it all shows. The grief on every line in his face. ]
I love you, V.
[ Firmly said without any regret. Love can mean many things and he doesn't see a problem with claiming all kinds of versions of it. As if his love for Viktor isn't well-known. As if he's ever really tried to hide it in its pure form.]
It broke my heart, the idea that you would leave me without any answers. But yeah I feel like I can't be mad at you because it's me putting the burden of my feelings on your already heavy shoulders, so it's wrong. You shouldn't have to waste your energy on me. But at the same time, I wish you would.
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Date: 2022-04-22 02:53 pm (UTC)[He doesn't want to be checked up on, feeling the same pang of humiliation he felt on the bridge, the deep-seated pride he harbors in spite of everything. The thought that Jayce sat at his bedside the night he collapsed, thinking about what he might have done to prevent that, well. It's all misplaced. Viktor is an adult. He can take responsibility for his own actions, even ones that end with him unconscious on the floor.
Of course, now he's being forced to acknowledge what that does to other people--to Jayce, arguably the only person whose opinion he really cares about. It's a hard pill to swallow, and his partner's truly distressed expression doesn't help.
Jayce loves him--of course he does. Jayce feels everything so thoroughly and so overtly that it all spills out all the time, in the way he acts, in the way he reaches out for Viktor to put a hand on his shoulder or at his lower back. It's impossible, at this point, not to know this singular truth about him. Still, Viktor fills in convenient, unspoken qualifiers. Like family. Like my brother. Love in the way best friends love each other and care for each other. Entertaining anything else is too painful to think about, so he files it away like he's done with the mental image of that hammer, something he's not sure he'll ever be ready to ask about.
He takes another few steps forward, seemingly undaunted by their height difference. Back on the bridge, Jayce had loomed over him. Now, Viktor stays standing, looking up to meet his eyes, unintimidated.]
I need you to understand what it's like, to have everyone look at you and talk to you like you're already dead.
[Heimerdinger, eulogizing him to his face. The Council, hardly sparing him a glance on the best days, making decisions with Jayce about Hextech like he isn't even there, or wouldn't have an opinion, or wouldn't also have the knowledge to safeguard it. The rest of Piltover, who barely knows he exists, because acknowledging him would force them to grapple with an inconvenient truth: that a Zaunite was both responsible for their prosperity, and careening towards a premature death as a result of their careless governing. Some of it was denial, of course. A chronic cough isn't much to worry about, not when it's to be expected, given where he came from. When the symptoms are so gradual, it just seemed easier to keep ignoring them, in favor of what's more important. In the process, however, he'd allowed himself to avoid confronting an uncomfortable reality.
A mistake, obviously. But one he can't exactly walk back, at this point, so all he can do is try to explain.]
I have spent my whole life trying to be recognized as more than, than this. [A vague gesture to himself--his body, and all of its inadequacies.] Our work, Jayce--our partnership, is, it's the most important thing in my life. I couldn't stand the thought of you looking at me and seeing only my illness. It would have distracted us from everything we needed to accomplish.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-22 04:50 pm (UTC)[ Jayce may not have a lot of friends, he really and truly is not as popular as anyone thinks. Maybe in a generic outside way, that people respect and admire him as a symbolic figure, but it doesn't translate to deep relationships. But he still knows what friendship is, he knows how he feels about Viktor, Caitlyn, and Mel, and how those relationships are fundamental to who he is. And while his feelings also very, very complicated when it comes to Mel, they are in their purest form with Viktor.
He loves him without designations, it's general, he loves Viktor and all the things that make up who he is. From his brilliance to his stubbornness, even when they're struggling with the latter, he's such a unique and special individual, someone who has taken all of Jayce's heart from that night. The fact he's in love with him too is a part of the whole, and while he can't help but long for Viktor sometimes, desire to be everything to him, it also can be bottled up. And they can still be this to each other, partners, best friends. It's not a loss, as long as he has a part of him.
Jayce does know the disrespect and obliviousness of the Piltover toward Viktor, and he's tried to push it into their heads that Viktor is as important as he is, he's made sure to mention him in every conversation about Hextech, but there just is no way to make people stop being prejudiced. But he can't understand how it feels to Viktor, and he wants to, he listens to him, he tries to hear him.
Jayce is imposing but he rarely means to be, and he feels like they're on the same level, even if he's looking down a few inches at Viktor.]
I have never looked at you and seen those things. I look at you and I see your mind. You are the smartest person I have ever met. I see your dry humor and your dedication and the type of confidence I envy. Being around you is like being next to the sun, you're so bright and brilliant and getting your attention is overwhelming in the best way. I'm addicted to your attention.
[ This is one of those times when Jayce really cannot help the way he looks at him, with open adoration, with a faint wistful smile on his face. That intense sincerity softened with tender emotion. ]
You didn't just save my life, you made my life what it is. You being sick and dying only means that I could lose my sun, but that's not how I see you. And that would have always been true if you gave me the chance.
[ Jayce runs fingers through sweaty dark hair, knowing that maybe he's gone too far with his admiration, but it's just how it is. So be it. ]
But here's the thing, Vik. You're making friends here, and they care about you, and they're not blind. A few people have asked me why you look unwell, and I've lied for you, and I've done pretty well, for me.
[ Because Jayce is a very, very bad liar, but he's managed to basically mix in enough truth with the shrug off for it to work. ]
And I know you're going to be mad they asked, but that's what happens when you let people into your life, they care what happens to you. Maybe you don't feel like you owe anyone an explanation, but crazy idea, you could consider letting people you care about in, just a little. Not everyone is going to let you down.
[ Jayce reaches out and touches Viktor's arm, just a light tap, and a wry smile. ]
But if you let all of them in before you let me, I'm going to take your cane and hit you with it.
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Date: 2022-04-24 03:04 pm (UTC)He can tell Jayce is avoiding touching him, more than the usual fleeting touches to the arm, probably to make sure he doesn't scare Viktor off. He'll fill that void instead, reaching out to put the flat of his palm against Jayce's face, thumb rubbing across his cheek once, back and forth.]
Listen to how ridiculous you sound. [A sharp pat, and then his hand is gone. Viktor is turning away, putting a few steps of distance between them.] The sun? Honestly.
[Everyone knows that's Jayce, and Viktor is more than content with their respective positions. He's pretending to scoff at it, but half the reason he's turning away is so that Jayce can't see the little smile that pulls at his own face.]
If my new friends are so concerned about my health, they can ask me directly. You can tell them that, so you don't need to lie.
[Maybe he appreciates the effort, but it rankles him just the same, the thought that as soon as he tells anyone about what's happening, they'll see only a ticking clock. Even Jayce, for all his best efforts, is lying on his behalf when Viktor never asked for that.]
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Date: 2022-04-24 09:21 pm (UTC)Viktor so rarely is the one who touches him, he can count on one hand how many times it's happened, so Jayce is genuinely surprised when he reaches out. And then it is something tender. More personal than an arm touch. Jayce has never dared to touch Viktor's face like this, although he's thought about it many times. He is a starving man given crumbs and since he knows this will be brief, he lets himself lean into the touch. It's almost a caress. If he could bottle this moment up for the rest of his life, he would.
He expected it to be brief because it's Viktor, but he does feel bereft when it's gone, and Viktor turning away and putting distance between them again means he misses the look of disappointment on Jayce's face. It's still something he will be so glad about though. It's probably for the best he did that. Jayce might have done something stupid. ]
Yes, the sun. Sorry, it's my compliment. You can't take it back.
[ Jayce knows his titltes, his nicknames, he knows people think he's a rising star. He has a strong presence, he isn't oblivious to the things that makes him popular. But again, it only really matters if the right people feel that way. Caitlyn loves to mock him, after all, but he knows she loves him all the same. She might not after she finds out. She didn't want him to hurt anyone. She was right. ]
Maybe they will. You must be overheated, just step out into the front room, I'll be there in a few minutes, okay?
[ Jayce gestures. There is a less sweltering part and now Jayce knows Viktor was looking for him. He's not going to make him talk in there. Besides, he's still dealing with the cheek, and it'll help him take a few minutes to clean up so he isn't dripping unattractively with sweat. He also has to shut the place down, he can complete it in the morning, he has to get Viktor home so he'll actually sleep.
As promised, Jayce reappears with his hair slick but mostly dried off, although his button-up white shirt is loose and undone, leaving the front part of his chest still revealed. He's still a little overheated but he'll finish it before they go outside. It gives Jayce time to sort of breathe out what he's feeling, which is a lot. ]
I'm sorry I ran. [ Now it's his turn to get to that part. ] I don't want to burden you with my issues.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-26 12:13 am (UTC)If you say so.
[He's not overheating--it's hard enough for him to maintain temperature on good days, but he understands that Jayce both needs a moment to close up, and to process all this, probably. They seem to have reached some kind of momentary understanding, so Viktor feels a little better about going outside to wait. He can be patient.
When Jayce emerges, Viktor is waiting for him, seated on a bench outside the shop. He reaches for his crutch, but doesn't move to stand, just in case Jayce wants to continue the conversation here. When he opens with an apology, Viktor lets out a sigh and shakes his head.]
I don't want you to apologize for having feelings, Jayce. What I told you was...it did not reflect well on me. [An understatement, really.] I was dishonest. You're allowed to be upset.
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Date: 2022-04-26 02:34 am (UTC)He considers whether to get them walking or not, and instead decides to come over and sit on the other side of the bench. Jayce rubs a hand across his heavy eyebrows, shrugging. ]
Alright, I'm upset. I'm hurt and devastated. It's still new to me. I didn't exactly have the time to come to terms with anything, everything was moving so fast.
[ That's probably the truest part of all of this. That a lot happened to them in a short amount of time, and Jayce hasn't had the time to actually react to it let alone come to any healthy state of mind on the issue. He thought the worst thing would be juggling being a scientist and a politician. He's not sure he's cut out for a complicated life, but it is what was handed to him, and he also never let things be. The city of progress. The man of progress.
Viktor doesn't even know how much just a day or so changed everything else too, he saw the terrible effect on his own health, but that's only part of the puzzle. It's a lot. And Viktor's running out of time, but he isn't to that level yet. They still have time. ]
We can't change what happened.
[ If he could, he would. He would not have been a dick on that bridge, he would have paid more attention to Viktor's struggles instead of trying to control everything on his end, and letting his emotions get the better of him. ]
I'm not going to stop you from experimenting on yourself, I'm going to help you do it safely and with backup. We're going to find a way to save your life.
[ He is unable to accept any other options. He doesn't care what Viktor said in that memory, maybe at that point in time it was the only way. They are in a new situation here, he is back to having that aggressive sense of hope and desperation. ]
But like you said, you didn't consider the repercussions of your actions and what it would mean for me. The trade-off of having people who love you is you have to consider their feelings. I hope you'll keep that in mind going forward.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-28 12:57 am (UTC)[He's not sure who could have handled any of it better. He doesn't blame Jayce for his actions, not when so much was thrust on his shoulders, to say nothing of Viktor's own condition. Too much all at once, and everyone did what they felt they needed to do, in increasingly impossible circumstances.
Stil, it's tempting to rebut some of Jayce's statements, though Viktor knows he's done enough. He needs to sit, and listen, and choose his words carefully. Re-affirm his commitment to their partnership. To keeping each other on the same page, because that's how they work best. He does, however, take umbrage with one thing, and he's never been one not to voice his opinion, if he feels it has merit.]
You could make it sound like less of a lecture.
[He swallows, and nods in agreement. There are more unkind things to say, like why should he have to consider everyone else's feelings when people rarely offer him the same courtesy, but he bites it down. Viktor realizes that what he intended to do was reckless, and apparently did have severe consequences. Underneath his stubbornness is real regret, for putting Jayce into that kind of situation, even though from his perspective, he hasn't done it yet.
But--Jayce isn't telling him to stop. He seems to understand that if Viktor wants to save his own life, he needs to test the methods on himself. That's surprising, maybe, though Viktor himself had said that Jayce would understand. Maybe this is what it looks like.]
I can recreate my notes, from the intended experiment. Perhaps you could take a look. See if I missed anything. [Then, after another moment of consideration--] I was reckless, and hurt you because of it. I won't have that happen again. I owe you that much.
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Date: 2022-04-28 01:22 am (UTC)He looks startled at that push back, eyebrows furrowing. ]
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. Maybe I'm being condescending without realizing it, I just got here, and you have all these connections, and you've ... really only had me for years. And our relationship isn't the relationship you'll have with everyone. I thought maybe it would be helpful, to give my ... emotional insight, in case you bump into more of this in the future.
[ As usual, Jayce's intentions are good, but not always executed well. He'll probably always have that arrogant streak, thinking he knows best, even if he is humbled through him very, very much being wrong on that fact. He's utterly sincere in what he's saying though, as usual. He and Viktor have always had a particular relationship that nothing can mirror, and every one of Viktor's new friends will have a different approach. After a beat he smiles wryly, rolling his eyes. At himself. ]
As if I know better. With my total three friends back home.
[ Jayce is good at crowds. He's good at socializing and winning people over with his easy warmth and passion. So in that sense, he is really good at understanding people. But that doesn't mean he understands interpersonal relationships any better. Caitlyn's been his adopted sister figure for years, Mel and him are more complicated than friends, and then there's Viktor. So yeah, he's being condescending, probably. ]
V, you don't owe me anything. And I'm not saying I'm innocent. I mean, I was awful to you on the bridge, and I hurt you enough not to trust in me because of it. We both have to do better.
[ There's also that other thing he hasn't mentioned yet, in his list of really shitty actions, but they'll get there. For now Jayce doesn't want to make it seem like he's above the situation. He's very flawed, he's always been, and Viktor has always seen his flaws clear as day. It's just harder sometimes to see one's own flaws. He reaches out to gently touch Viktor's shirt at the elbow and tugs it playfully, before letting it go. Still being so careful. ]
We've taken our relationship for granted. It's always been so easy. We'll figure it out.
[ And will he ever stop calling them a relationship rather than any qualifying versions of ship no he will not, you will never make him. ]
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Date: 2022-04-29 10:13 pm (UTC)I know how to have friends, Jayce. [Knows how to care about people, ostensibly. Sometimes, however, he's a little lacking in the way he shows it. His sickness and preoccupation with it certainly hasn't helped.] Did you think you were the first?
[Well. Actually. Maybe that's true, at least insofar as an intellectual equal is concerned. Jayce had been the first who could really match him step for step, and he's never stopped being glad for it. Once he had that, of course, what other friends did he need? It certainly didn't help that once he had Jayce, he felt less of a need to perform for the Academy--for Piltover itself--and focused singularly on the work they were doing. A life before Jayce seems like it was lived by someone else, at this point, but it existed nonetheless.
Still, he's not going to harp on it. Jayce has apologized both for the little lecture and for his behavior on the bridge, and though Viktor can't deny that the latter spoke to a broader misunderstanding, the social structure of home and all of the repercussions of it are both behind them now. It seems best to start over, on the same team. They've always been better that way. Viktor indulges the touch, leaning into it a little so their shoulders are touching as they sit on the bench.]
We have a second chance, now. We'll do better this time.
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Date: 2022-04-30 05:03 am (UTC)[ Viktor is private so possibly he could 'hide' friends but Jayce doubts that. He doesn't know if he had friends before him, he just knows that once they had each other, that was more or less it for them. And considering Jayce's three 'friends' includes his sister figure and his lover, it's not as if he's sought out many other connections either.
Jayce is insecure, this is something they are aware of. He is confident to a point, but he's plagued by doubts and uncertainty, and never more so now that he feels out of control. It's not Viktor's problem, but he's floundering a bit. He'll get there, once he balances out and gets his focuses all set up. His hands move to start buttoning up his shirt. ]
It's important you know that I'm really glad you have friends, you've always deserved more recognition and attention than you were given. I've believed that from day one. They're really good people. I'm just ... [ He waves a hand, he does that a lot while talking and trying to get out what he's thinking. ] Having more time to process everything that happened recently. It's bringing a lot of feelings up.
[ They have more time to sit in their feelings, or at least Jayce does, and that isn't a bad thing necessarily, it just might have some growing pains now that he's forced to sit down and cope with things that he was pushing off. Like his feelings about Viktor's illness and his terror of losing him. And other things he hasn't communicated yet, because he really is sort of reacting as he goes. ]
Even if I seemed distant, I was obsessed with finding a way to save your life, I thought about it constantly. I didn't want to burden you with my fear until I had a solution or any helpful ideas.
[ He glances over at Viktor, bumping his shoulder gently, looking at that beloved set of details in his face Jayce has stared at for years. ]
We'll do it here. I know we will. I feel it in my gut.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-30 06:07 pm (UTC)[A whole twenty-five years of one, even. But, maybe he's just trying to convince himself that everything before Jayce was somehow worthwhile, so he says it as gently and as jokingly as possible. Viktor has always been just fine on his own, and he doesn't need Jayce to worry about his capacity to maintain interpersonal relationships. Still, he hasn't exactly been the person he's wanted to be in the last few years, but that's what happens when you spend all your time worrying about your own ticking clock.
He doesn't think he can manage Jayce's grief on top of his own, but it's true that neither of them have really had any time to process. Even knowing it was coming, Viktor himself had allowed himself no time to really absorb his diagnosis, beyond fishing for some measure of comfort from his mentor and finding none. After that, it was back to work--he wasn't sure what else to do, but he knew he wasn't ready to give up.
So it's only natural that all of this is coming out now, when the two of them finally have a moment to breathe. Viktor shifts a little--turns his body at an angle to better watch Jayce's expression, eyebrows knitting together in slight concern. He's been more tactile than usual, recently, but all he can do is hope that he won't go so far as to do something he might regret. Viktor can feel himself pushing that boundary as he puts his hand between Jayce's shoulders for once, but it feels right in this moment, to be this close.]
I know you're afraid of losing me. [I'm afraid of being gone, is what he doesn't say, though he knows it isn't the same thing. Once all is said and done, he won't have any awareness of the void he'll leave. He simply won't exist--Jayce is the one who will need to pick up the pieces.] But I'm not going to leave you if I can help it. I promise.
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Date: 2022-05-01 04:39 am (UTC)[ Jayce had a life too, technically a pretty engaging one, he's talked to Viktor about the mage, about his time in the desert, about a lot of his past, but it was always about his way to Hextech. His dream. And then when he and Viktor succeeded, that was everything. So apparently he's tunnel-visioned not only his own life, but Viktor's too. He can be a real oblivious idiot, something they both know. He's caught up in his own drama yet again.
Usually one unexpected touch from Viktor is a meal he could feed on for months, the cheek would be enough for a year typically, but he keeps surprising him. He's a starving man and so Viktor's attempts to show him comfort work in a way nothing else really could. Jayce often shows his affection and comfort in touches to the arms, back, anything Viktor would let him, but he's never expected it back or asked for it.
He can't help but lean into it, like a flower toward the sun, but Jayce too is smart, careful not to look at him, knowing doing so would put them too close. He has to focus on what he can ask for or he can accept. Instead of turning, he simply rests his head to the side, briefly leaning their heads together, still within boundaries while taking in every bit of that affection.]
I'm sorry you have to comfort me when it's something you're going through. But I appreciate it all the same. There are no distractions here, nothing keeping us from finding the solution together.
[ Jayce knows he's the one who was distracted, but he's apologized, and they didn't end up doing it together like they should have, because of both of them. That was there, when there was just too much going on and dividing them. They don't have that here. They have each other the way they should have always. In a way this is a blessing in disguise. ]
I won't lose you.
[ Jayce says it in the way he does most things when he is firm and determined and that passion within him seems to never be able to fade. He says it like he means it, like damn anything that tries to get in his way. He will fight tooth and nail to finish his goal. ]
I want us to still be bickering over equations when we've got silver in our hair and you rolling your eyes at me until we both need reading glasses.
[ Jayce has always seen them as older men together; maybe not that old, but a reasonable lifetime. Distinguished. Still brilliant but maybe grown out of some of their youthful issues. ]
But ... that's still what I want. What do you want?
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Date: 2022-05-03 01:58 am (UTC)[That's the closest he'll get to admitting that he needs this too, even though it's not bad or weak, to want comfort. If any situation calls for it, it's this one. Viktor, for all he pushes people away, desperately finds himself wanting it as well, and this closeness--the way Jayce leans into him in his sort of half-embrace--it's what he thinks he was missing. Physical contact isn't going to fix anything, but it is nice, to take a breath and just be, removed from all the distractions and complications that have made everything so fraught.
He'll even go so far to admit that this is nice. They lean against each other and Viktor shifts, to better settle him against his shoulder and rest his chin on top of Jayce's bowed head. His hand creeps slowly, experimentally, from between Jayce's shoulder blades to the nape of his neck, tips of his fingers daring to brush against his hairline.
There's that fantasy again--the one he couldn't even conceive of, because somehow he always knew he would be racing against time. Jayce talks about a world where they're older, distinguished researchers with full careers and an innumerable list of world-changing innovations behind them, and Viktor isn't certain he can even picture himself the way Jayce's describes. The first time he mentioned this, it had been surprising. The second time, well. It hurts. That he's thought this and dreamed up a whole future for them, together, that Viktor can't have.]
I want--
[What does he want?
He wants to stay like this for a little while longer. He wants to see what happens if he tilts his head just inches, enough to put his mouth against Jayce's temple while his head rests against his shoulder. He wants to ask Jayce what he really meant, when he said I love you, V. He wants to live, obviously. Wants to cure his illness and have all the time he needs to change the world for the better. Wants to reverse-engineer the ritual that brought them here and get home, where he'll be the most useful, where he can make sure that what happened to him never happens to anyone else, ever again.
He doesn't act on the impulse, as effortless as it would be. His hand stays where it is. He doesn't say any of those things.]
I want to work, for as long as I can. I want to solve this. [So that, maybe, they can have the future that Jayce dreams about, because he thinks he wants that, too.] But, Jayce-- [Viktor thinks he's been clear about not wanting to give up, at least not yet, and they've done the impossible before. They might still do it, but this is the hard part. What they weren't able to talk about, at home, because neither of them had any time.] When I tell you it's time to stop, we have to stop. I need you to be ready for that.
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Date: 2022-05-03 02:35 am (UTC)He says nothing, he basks in it. And it makes sense, it's not as if this comfort is one-sided. Viktor knows Jayce loves him, that he is devoted to him, and they both need this. Jayce has wanted to give him comfort before, but he's always been afraid to do more than touch his arm or his back. It's easier that it is Viktor's choice, that he is willingly giving it and asking for it.
It makes Jayce bold enough that he reaches out to take Viktor's other hand in his. He doesn't go so far as to thread their fingers together, but he does hold it. He does think about how easy it would be to turn his head. What it would be like to nuzzle Viktor's neck, so close, press his lips against the soft skin. But it's a fleeting thought. Jayce is far more about embracing what he is being allowed. Points of contact, and they feel great. Soothing. He's happy, despite all the pain.
He didn't expect Viktor to answer mostly because it seems so nebulous, to put wants out there like that, but Jayce's breath does get sucked in quickly when Viktor mentions them stopping. He wants to say no. He wants to say don't, please. Jayce lets his breath out slowly and squeezes Viktor's hand. ]
I will be. I'm with you, to whatever end.
[ If it's the end he dreams of, decades from now, that is ideal, but if it is a few months from now, he will have to live with that. And he will be the one that will have to live with it. The point is Jayce is loyal, he is going to stand by Viktor no matter what. If he has to watch him waste away, he will, but he isn't ready to give up.
His thumb caresses the back of Viktor's hand gently. ]
Can we ... stay like this? Just a little longer?
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Date: 2022-05-03 04:31 am (UTC)[It's a lot to ask--almost too much--and it isn't lost on Viktor that Jayce has effectively, gone through this twice. That's how he knows he'll agree, if and when the time comes--he's seen it himself, thanks to the strange exchange of memories.
Truthfully, he doesn't need to be asked if they can stay like this. He's exhausted, not just from trying to find Jayce, but from sharing that memory and trying to process everything in the aftermath. The hand is unexpected, but he supposes that subject matter like this calls for it. If Jayce wants to further ground himself, given everything they're both struggling with, Viktor isn't going to deny him. He thinks he could probably fall asleep like this, but upright on a bench is not exactly conducive to physical comfort. They'll head home, eventually. For now, however, this is enough.]
As long as you need.
[Well, until something cramps, maybe.]