We've been in each other's pockets for seven years, I think I would have known if you had other friends.
[ Viktor is private so possibly he could 'hide' friends but Jayce doubts that. He doesn't know if he had friends before him, he just knows that once they had each other, that was more or less it for them. And considering Jayce's three 'friends' includes his sister figure and his lover, it's not as if he's sought out many other connections either.
Jayce is insecure, this is something they are aware of. He is confident to a point, but he's plagued by doubts and uncertainty, and never more so now that he feels out of control. It's not Viktor's problem, but he's floundering a bit. He'll get there, once he balances out and gets his focuses all set up. His hands move to start buttoning up his shirt. ]
It's important you know that I'm really glad you have friends, you've always deserved more recognition and attention than you were given. I've believed that from day one. They're really good people. I'm just ... [ He waves a hand, he does that a lot while talking and trying to get out what he's thinking. ] Having more time to process everything that happened recently. It's bringing a lot of feelings up.
[ They have more time to sit in their feelings, or at least Jayce does, and that isn't a bad thing necessarily, it just might have some growing pains now that he's forced to sit down and cope with things that he was pushing off. Like his feelings about Viktor's illness and his terror of losing him. And other things he hasn't communicated yet, because he really is sort of reacting as he goes. ]
Even if I seemed distant, I was obsessed with finding a way to save your life, I thought about it constantly. I didn't want to burden you with my fear until I had a solution or any helpful ideas.
[ He glances over at Viktor, bumping his shoulder gently, looking at that beloved set of details in his face Jayce has stared at for years. ]
We'll do it here. I know we will. I feel it in my gut.
[A whole twenty-five years of one, even. But, maybe he's just trying to convince himself that everything before Jayce was somehow worthwhile, so he says it as gently and as jokingly as possible. Viktor has always been just fine on his own, and he doesn't need Jayce to worry about his capacity to maintain interpersonal relationships. Still, he hasn't exactly been the person he's wanted to be in the last few years, but that's what happens when you spend all your time worrying about your own ticking clock.
He doesn't think he can manage Jayce's grief on top of his own, but it's true that neither of them have really had any time to process. Even knowing it was coming, Viktor himself had allowed himself no time to really absorb his diagnosis, beyond fishing for some measure of comfort from his mentor and finding none. After that, it was back to work--he wasn't sure what else to do, but he knew he wasn't ready to give up.
So it's only natural that all of this is coming out now, when the two of them finally have a moment to breathe. Viktor shifts a little--turns his body at an angle to better watch Jayce's expression, eyebrows knitting together in slight concern. He's been more tactile than usual, recently, but all he can do is hope that he won't go so far as to do something he might regret. Viktor can feel himself pushing that boundary as he puts his hand between Jayce's shoulders for once, but it feels right in this moment, to be this close.]
I know you're afraid of losing me. [I'm afraid of being gone, is what he doesn't say, though he knows it isn't the same thing. Once all is said and done, he won't have any awareness of the void he'll leave. He simply won't exist--Jayce is the one who will need to pick up the pieces.] But I'm not going to leave you if I can help it. I promise.
Is it bad I barely think of life before Hextech? I guess that makes me a workaholic. But that doesn't mean I should assume you think the same way.
[ Jayce had a life too, technically a pretty engaging one, he's talked to Viktor about the mage, about his time in the desert, about a lot of his past, but it was always about his way to Hextech. His dream. And then when he and Viktor succeeded, that was everything. So apparently he's tunnel-visioned not only his own life, but Viktor's too. He can be a real oblivious idiot, something they both know. He's caught up in his own drama yet again.
Usually one unexpected touch from Viktor is a meal he could feed on for months, the cheek would be enough for a year typically, but he keeps surprising him. He's a starving man and so Viktor's attempts to show him comfort work in a way nothing else really could. Jayce often shows his affection and comfort in touches to the arms, back, anything Viktor would let him, but he's never expected it back or asked for it.
He can't help but lean into it, like a flower toward the sun, but Jayce too is smart, careful not to look at him, knowing doing so would put them too close. He has to focus on what he can ask for or he can accept. Instead of turning, he simply rests his head to the side, briefly leaning their heads together, still within boundaries while taking in every bit of that affection.]
I'm sorry you have to comfort me when it's something you're going through. But I appreciate it all the same. There are no distractions here, nothing keeping us from finding the solution together.
[ Jayce knows he's the one who was distracted, but he's apologized, and they didn't end up doing it together like they should have, because of both of them. That was there, when there was just too much going on and dividing them. They don't have that here. They have each other the way they should have always. In a way this is a blessing in disguise. ]
I won't lose you.
[ Jayce says it in the way he does most things when he is firm and determined and that passion within him seems to never be able to fade. He says it like he means it, like damn anything that tries to get in his way. He will fight tooth and nail to finish his goal. ]
I want us to still be bickering over equations when we've got silver in our hair and you rolling your eyes at me until we both need reading glasses.
[ Jayce has always seen them as older men together; maybe not that old, but a reasonable lifetime. Distinguished. Still brilliant but maybe grown out of some of their youthful issues. ]
But ... that's still what I want. What do you want?
Please stop apologizing. Let me just...have this. For a moment.
[That's the closest he'll get to admitting that he needs this too, even though it's not bad or weak, to want comfort. If any situation calls for it, it's this one. Viktor, for all he pushes people away, desperately finds himself wanting it as well, and this closeness--the way Jayce leans into him in his sort of half-embrace--it's what he thinks he was missing. Physical contact isn't going to fix anything, but it is nice, to take a breath and just be, removed from all the distractions and complications that have made everything so fraught.
He'll even go so far to admit that this is nice. They lean against each other and Viktor shifts, to better settle him against his shoulder and rest his chin on top of Jayce's bowed head. His hand creeps slowly, experimentally, from between Jayce's shoulder blades to the nape of his neck, tips of his fingers daring to brush against his hairline.
There's that fantasy again--the one he couldn't even conceive of, because somehow he always knew he would be racing against time. Jayce talks about a world where they're older, distinguished researchers with full careers and an innumerable list of world-changing innovations behind them, and Viktor isn't certain he can even picture himself the way Jayce's describes. The first time he mentioned this, it had been surprising. The second time, well. It hurts. That he's thought this and dreamed up a whole future for them, together, that Viktor can't have.]
I want--
[What does he want?
He wants to stay like this for a little while longer. He wants to see what happens if he tilts his head just inches, enough to put his mouth against Jayce's temple while his head rests against his shoulder. He wants to ask Jayce what he really meant, when he said I love you, V. He wants to live, obviously. Wants to cure his illness and have all the time he needs to change the world for the better. Wants to reverse-engineer the ritual that brought them here and get home, where he'll be the most useful, where he can make sure that what happened to him never happens to anyone else, ever again.
He doesn't act on the impulse, as effortless as it would be. His hand stays where it is. He doesn't say any of those things.]
I want to work, for as long as I can. I want to solve this. [So that, maybe, they can have the future that Jayce dreams about, because he thinks he wants that, too.] But, Jayce-- [Viktor thinks he's been clear about not wanting to give up, at least not yet, and they've done the impossible before. They might still do it, but this is the hard part. What they weren't able to talk about, at home, because neither of them had any time.] When I tell you it's time to stop, we have to stop. I need you to be ready for that.
[ Jayce is surprised by the way that Viktor frames it. 'Let me just have this.' As if this is for Viktor too, and he is getting something out of it, and it makes his heart pound in his chest. It only gets worse when Viktor's fingers brush at his nape and he tries to keep his breathing steady and calm. He focuses on how nice it feels instead. How Jayce's head naturally settles onto Viktor's shoulder once it's allowed and then Viktor's chin is on his hair, and his eyes close, settling into this moment as if it is made of pure bliss. The stuff of dreams.
He says nothing, he basks in it. And it makes sense, it's not as if this comfort is one-sided. Viktor knows Jayce loves him, that he is devoted to him, and they both need this. Jayce has wanted to give him comfort before, but he's always been afraid to do more than touch his arm or his back. It's easier that it is Viktor's choice, that he is willingly giving it and asking for it.
It makes Jayce bold enough that he reaches out to take Viktor's other hand in his. He doesn't go so far as to thread their fingers together, but he does hold it. He does think about how easy it would be to turn his head. What it would be like to nuzzle Viktor's neck, so close, press his lips against the soft skin. But it's a fleeting thought. Jayce is far more about embracing what he is being allowed. Points of contact, and they feel great. Soothing. He's happy, despite all the pain.
He didn't expect Viktor to answer mostly because it seems so nebulous, to put wants out there like that, but Jayce's breath does get sucked in quickly when Viktor mentions them stopping. He wants to say no. He wants to say don't, please. Jayce lets his breath out slowly and squeezes Viktor's hand. ]
I will be. I'm with you, to whatever end.
[ If it's the end he dreams of, decades from now, that is ideal, but if it is a few months from now, he will have to live with that. And he will be the one that will have to live with it. The point is Jayce is loyal, he is going to stand by Viktor no matter what. If he has to watch him waste away, he will, but he isn't ready to give up.
His thumb caresses the back of Viktor's hand gently. ]
[It's a lot to ask--almost too much--and it isn't lost on Viktor that Jayce has effectively, gone through this twice. That's how he knows he'll agree, if and when the time comes--he's seen it himself, thanks to the strange exchange of memories.
Truthfully, he doesn't need to be asked if they can stay like this. He's exhausted, not just from trying to find Jayce, but from sharing that memory and trying to process everything in the aftermath. The hand is unexpected, but he supposes that subject matter like this calls for it. If Jayce wants to further ground himself, given everything they're both struggling with, Viktor isn't going to deny him. He thinks he could probably fall asleep like this, but upright on a bench is not exactly conducive to physical comfort. They'll head home, eventually. For now, however, this is enough.]
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zvi
no subject
Date: 2022-04-30 05:03 am (UTC)[ Viktor is private so possibly he could 'hide' friends but Jayce doubts that. He doesn't know if he had friends before him, he just knows that once they had each other, that was more or less it for them. And considering Jayce's three 'friends' includes his sister figure and his lover, it's not as if he's sought out many other connections either.
Jayce is insecure, this is something they are aware of. He is confident to a point, but he's plagued by doubts and uncertainty, and never more so now that he feels out of control. It's not Viktor's problem, but he's floundering a bit. He'll get there, once he balances out and gets his focuses all set up. His hands move to start buttoning up his shirt. ]
It's important you know that I'm really glad you have friends, you've always deserved more recognition and attention than you were given. I've believed that from day one. They're really good people. I'm just ... [ He waves a hand, he does that a lot while talking and trying to get out what he's thinking. ] Having more time to process everything that happened recently. It's bringing a lot of feelings up.
[ They have more time to sit in their feelings, or at least Jayce does, and that isn't a bad thing necessarily, it just might have some growing pains now that he's forced to sit down and cope with things that he was pushing off. Like his feelings about Viktor's illness and his terror of losing him. And other things he hasn't communicated yet, because he really is sort of reacting as he goes. ]
Even if I seemed distant, I was obsessed with finding a way to save your life, I thought about it constantly. I didn't want to burden you with my fear until I had a solution or any helpful ideas.
[ He glances over at Viktor, bumping his shoulder gently, looking at that beloved set of details in his face Jayce has stared at for years. ]
We'll do it here. I know we will. I feel it in my gut.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-30 06:07 pm (UTC)[A whole twenty-five years of one, even. But, maybe he's just trying to convince himself that everything before Jayce was somehow worthwhile, so he says it as gently and as jokingly as possible. Viktor has always been just fine on his own, and he doesn't need Jayce to worry about his capacity to maintain interpersonal relationships. Still, he hasn't exactly been the person he's wanted to be in the last few years, but that's what happens when you spend all your time worrying about your own ticking clock.
He doesn't think he can manage Jayce's grief on top of his own, but it's true that neither of them have really had any time to process. Even knowing it was coming, Viktor himself had allowed himself no time to really absorb his diagnosis, beyond fishing for some measure of comfort from his mentor and finding none. After that, it was back to work--he wasn't sure what else to do, but he knew he wasn't ready to give up.
So it's only natural that all of this is coming out now, when the two of them finally have a moment to breathe. Viktor shifts a little--turns his body at an angle to better watch Jayce's expression, eyebrows knitting together in slight concern. He's been more tactile than usual, recently, but all he can do is hope that he won't go so far as to do something he might regret. Viktor can feel himself pushing that boundary as he puts his hand between Jayce's shoulders for once, but it feels right in this moment, to be this close.]
I know you're afraid of losing me. [I'm afraid of being gone, is what he doesn't say, though he knows it isn't the same thing. Once all is said and done, he won't have any awareness of the void he'll leave. He simply won't exist--Jayce is the one who will need to pick up the pieces.] But I'm not going to leave you if I can help it. I promise.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-01 04:39 am (UTC)[ Jayce had a life too, technically a pretty engaging one, he's talked to Viktor about the mage, about his time in the desert, about a lot of his past, but it was always about his way to Hextech. His dream. And then when he and Viktor succeeded, that was everything. So apparently he's tunnel-visioned not only his own life, but Viktor's too. He can be a real oblivious idiot, something they both know. He's caught up in his own drama yet again.
Usually one unexpected touch from Viktor is a meal he could feed on for months, the cheek would be enough for a year typically, but he keeps surprising him. He's a starving man and so Viktor's attempts to show him comfort work in a way nothing else really could. Jayce often shows his affection and comfort in touches to the arms, back, anything Viktor would let him, but he's never expected it back or asked for it.
He can't help but lean into it, like a flower toward the sun, but Jayce too is smart, careful not to look at him, knowing doing so would put them too close. He has to focus on what he can ask for or he can accept. Instead of turning, he simply rests his head to the side, briefly leaning their heads together, still within boundaries while taking in every bit of that affection.]
I'm sorry you have to comfort me when it's something you're going through. But I appreciate it all the same. There are no distractions here, nothing keeping us from finding the solution together.
[ Jayce knows he's the one who was distracted, but he's apologized, and they didn't end up doing it together like they should have, because of both of them. That was there, when there was just too much going on and dividing them. They don't have that here. They have each other the way they should have always. In a way this is a blessing in disguise. ]
I won't lose you.
[ Jayce says it in the way he does most things when he is firm and determined and that passion within him seems to never be able to fade. He says it like he means it, like damn anything that tries to get in his way. He will fight tooth and nail to finish his goal. ]
I want us to still be bickering over equations when we've got silver in our hair and you rolling your eyes at me until we both need reading glasses.
[ Jayce has always seen them as older men together; maybe not that old, but a reasonable lifetime. Distinguished. Still brilliant but maybe grown out of some of their youthful issues. ]
But ... that's still what I want. What do you want?
no subject
Date: 2022-05-03 01:58 am (UTC)[That's the closest he'll get to admitting that he needs this too, even though it's not bad or weak, to want comfort. If any situation calls for it, it's this one. Viktor, for all he pushes people away, desperately finds himself wanting it as well, and this closeness--the way Jayce leans into him in his sort of half-embrace--it's what he thinks he was missing. Physical contact isn't going to fix anything, but it is nice, to take a breath and just be, removed from all the distractions and complications that have made everything so fraught.
He'll even go so far to admit that this is nice. They lean against each other and Viktor shifts, to better settle him against his shoulder and rest his chin on top of Jayce's bowed head. His hand creeps slowly, experimentally, from between Jayce's shoulder blades to the nape of his neck, tips of his fingers daring to brush against his hairline.
There's that fantasy again--the one he couldn't even conceive of, because somehow he always knew he would be racing against time. Jayce talks about a world where they're older, distinguished researchers with full careers and an innumerable list of world-changing innovations behind them, and Viktor isn't certain he can even picture himself the way Jayce's describes. The first time he mentioned this, it had been surprising. The second time, well. It hurts. That he's thought this and dreamed up a whole future for them, together, that Viktor can't have.]
I want--
[What does he want?
He wants to stay like this for a little while longer. He wants to see what happens if he tilts his head just inches, enough to put his mouth against Jayce's temple while his head rests against his shoulder. He wants to ask Jayce what he really meant, when he said I love you, V. He wants to live, obviously. Wants to cure his illness and have all the time he needs to change the world for the better. Wants to reverse-engineer the ritual that brought them here and get home, where he'll be the most useful, where he can make sure that what happened to him never happens to anyone else, ever again.
He doesn't act on the impulse, as effortless as it would be. His hand stays where it is. He doesn't say any of those things.]
I want to work, for as long as I can. I want to solve this. [So that, maybe, they can have the future that Jayce dreams about, because he thinks he wants that, too.] But, Jayce-- [Viktor thinks he's been clear about not wanting to give up, at least not yet, and they've done the impossible before. They might still do it, but this is the hard part. What they weren't able to talk about, at home, because neither of them had any time.] When I tell you it's time to stop, we have to stop. I need you to be ready for that.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-03 02:35 am (UTC)He says nothing, he basks in it. And it makes sense, it's not as if this comfort is one-sided. Viktor knows Jayce loves him, that he is devoted to him, and they both need this. Jayce has wanted to give him comfort before, but he's always been afraid to do more than touch his arm or his back. It's easier that it is Viktor's choice, that he is willingly giving it and asking for it.
It makes Jayce bold enough that he reaches out to take Viktor's other hand in his. He doesn't go so far as to thread their fingers together, but he does hold it. He does think about how easy it would be to turn his head. What it would be like to nuzzle Viktor's neck, so close, press his lips against the soft skin. But it's a fleeting thought. Jayce is far more about embracing what he is being allowed. Points of contact, and they feel great. Soothing. He's happy, despite all the pain.
He didn't expect Viktor to answer mostly because it seems so nebulous, to put wants out there like that, but Jayce's breath does get sucked in quickly when Viktor mentions them stopping. He wants to say no. He wants to say don't, please. Jayce lets his breath out slowly and squeezes Viktor's hand. ]
I will be. I'm with you, to whatever end.
[ If it's the end he dreams of, decades from now, that is ideal, but if it is a few months from now, he will have to live with that. And he will be the one that will have to live with it. The point is Jayce is loyal, he is going to stand by Viktor no matter what. If he has to watch him waste away, he will, but he isn't ready to give up.
His thumb caresses the back of Viktor's hand gently. ]
Can we ... stay like this? Just a little longer?
no subject
Date: 2022-05-03 04:31 am (UTC)[It's a lot to ask--almost too much--and it isn't lost on Viktor that Jayce has effectively, gone through this twice. That's how he knows he'll agree, if and when the time comes--he's seen it himself, thanks to the strange exchange of memories.
Truthfully, he doesn't need to be asked if they can stay like this. He's exhausted, not just from trying to find Jayce, but from sharing that memory and trying to process everything in the aftermath. The hand is unexpected, but he supposes that subject matter like this calls for it. If Jayce wants to further ground himself, given everything they're both struggling with, Viktor isn't going to deny him. He thinks he could probably fall asleep like this, but upright on a bench is not exactly conducive to physical comfort. They'll head home, eventually. For now, however, this is enough.]
As long as you need.
[Well, until something cramps, maybe.]