Please stop apologizing. Let me just...have this. For a moment.
[That's the closest he'll get to admitting that he needs this too, even though it's not bad or weak, to want comfort. If any situation calls for it, it's this one. Viktor, for all he pushes people away, desperately finds himself wanting it as well, and this closeness--the way Jayce leans into him in his sort of half-embrace--it's what he thinks he was missing. Physical contact isn't going to fix anything, but it is nice, to take a breath and just be, removed from all the distractions and complications that have made everything so fraught.
He'll even go so far to admit that this is nice. They lean against each other and Viktor shifts, to better settle him against his shoulder and rest his chin on top of Jayce's bowed head. His hand creeps slowly, experimentally, from between Jayce's shoulder blades to the nape of his neck, tips of his fingers daring to brush against his hairline.
There's that fantasy again--the one he couldn't even conceive of, because somehow he always knew he would be racing against time. Jayce talks about a world where they're older, distinguished researchers with full careers and an innumerable list of world-changing innovations behind them, and Viktor isn't certain he can even picture himself the way Jayce's describes. The first time he mentioned this, it had been surprising. The second time, well. It hurts. That he's thought this and dreamed up a whole future for them, together, that Viktor can't have.]
I want--
[What does he want?
He wants to stay like this for a little while longer. He wants to see what happens if he tilts his head just inches, enough to put his mouth against Jayce's temple while his head rests against his shoulder. He wants to ask Jayce what he really meant, when he said I love you, V. He wants to live, obviously. Wants to cure his illness and have all the time he needs to change the world for the better. Wants to reverse-engineer the ritual that brought them here and get home, where he'll be the most useful, where he can make sure that what happened to him never happens to anyone else, ever again.
He doesn't act on the impulse, as effortless as it would be. His hand stays where it is. He doesn't say any of those things.]
I want to work, for as long as I can. I want to solve this. [So that, maybe, they can have the future that Jayce dreams about, because he thinks he wants that, too.] But, Jayce-- [Viktor thinks he's been clear about not wanting to give up, at least not yet, and they've done the impossible before. They might still do it, but this is the hard part. What they weren't able to talk about, at home, because neither of them had any time.] When I tell you it's time to stop, we have to stop. I need you to be ready for that.
[ Jayce is surprised by the way that Viktor frames it. 'Let me just have this.' As if this is for Viktor too, and he is getting something out of it, and it makes his heart pound in his chest. It only gets worse when Viktor's fingers brush at his nape and he tries to keep his breathing steady and calm. He focuses on how nice it feels instead. How Jayce's head naturally settles onto Viktor's shoulder once it's allowed and then Viktor's chin is on his hair, and his eyes close, settling into this moment as if it is made of pure bliss. The stuff of dreams.
He says nothing, he basks in it. And it makes sense, it's not as if this comfort is one-sided. Viktor knows Jayce loves him, that he is devoted to him, and they both need this. Jayce has wanted to give him comfort before, but he's always been afraid to do more than touch his arm or his back. It's easier that it is Viktor's choice, that he is willingly giving it and asking for it.
It makes Jayce bold enough that he reaches out to take Viktor's other hand in his. He doesn't go so far as to thread their fingers together, but he does hold it. He does think about how easy it would be to turn his head. What it would be like to nuzzle Viktor's neck, so close, press his lips against the soft skin. But it's a fleeting thought. Jayce is far more about embracing what he is being allowed. Points of contact, and they feel great. Soothing. He's happy, despite all the pain.
He didn't expect Viktor to answer mostly because it seems so nebulous, to put wants out there like that, but Jayce's breath does get sucked in quickly when Viktor mentions them stopping. He wants to say no. He wants to say don't, please. Jayce lets his breath out slowly and squeezes Viktor's hand. ]
I will be. I'm with you, to whatever end.
[ If it's the end he dreams of, decades from now, that is ideal, but if it is a few months from now, he will have to live with that. And he will be the one that will have to live with it. The point is Jayce is loyal, he is going to stand by Viktor no matter what. If he has to watch him waste away, he will, but he isn't ready to give up.
His thumb caresses the back of Viktor's hand gently. ]
[It's a lot to ask--almost too much--and it isn't lost on Viktor that Jayce has effectively, gone through this twice. That's how he knows he'll agree, if and when the time comes--he's seen it himself, thanks to the strange exchange of memories.
Truthfully, he doesn't need to be asked if they can stay like this. He's exhausted, not just from trying to find Jayce, but from sharing that memory and trying to process everything in the aftermath. The hand is unexpected, but he supposes that subject matter like this calls for it. If Jayce wants to further ground himself, given everything they're both struggling with, Viktor isn't going to deny him. He thinks he could probably fall asleep like this, but upright on a bench is not exactly conducive to physical comfort. They'll head home, eventually. For now, however, this is enough.]
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zvi
no subject
Date: 2022-05-03 01:58 am (UTC)[That's the closest he'll get to admitting that he needs this too, even though it's not bad or weak, to want comfort. If any situation calls for it, it's this one. Viktor, for all he pushes people away, desperately finds himself wanting it as well, and this closeness--the way Jayce leans into him in his sort of half-embrace--it's what he thinks he was missing. Physical contact isn't going to fix anything, but it is nice, to take a breath and just be, removed from all the distractions and complications that have made everything so fraught.
He'll even go so far to admit that this is nice. They lean against each other and Viktor shifts, to better settle him against his shoulder and rest his chin on top of Jayce's bowed head. His hand creeps slowly, experimentally, from between Jayce's shoulder blades to the nape of his neck, tips of his fingers daring to brush against his hairline.
There's that fantasy again--the one he couldn't even conceive of, because somehow he always knew he would be racing against time. Jayce talks about a world where they're older, distinguished researchers with full careers and an innumerable list of world-changing innovations behind them, and Viktor isn't certain he can even picture himself the way Jayce's describes. The first time he mentioned this, it had been surprising. The second time, well. It hurts. That he's thought this and dreamed up a whole future for them, together, that Viktor can't have.]
I want--
[What does he want?
He wants to stay like this for a little while longer. He wants to see what happens if he tilts his head just inches, enough to put his mouth against Jayce's temple while his head rests against his shoulder. He wants to ask Jayce what he really meant, when he said I love you, V. He wants to live, obviously. Wants to cure his illness and have all the time he needs to change the world for the better. Wants to reverse-engineer the ritual that brought them here and get home, where he'll be the most useful, where he can make sure that what happened to him never happens to anyone else, ever again.
He doesn't act on the impulse, as effortless as it would be. His hand stays where it is. He doesn't say any of those things.]
I want to work, for as long as I can. I want to solve this. [So that, maybe, they can have the future that Jayce dreams about, because he thinks he wants that, too.] But, Jayce-- [Viktor thinks he's been clear about not wanting to give up, at least not yet, and they've done the impossible before. They might still do it, but this is the hard part. What they weren't able to talk about, at home, because neither of them had any time.] When I tell you it's time to stop, we have to stop. I need you to be ready for that.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-03 02:35 am (UTC)He says nothing, he basks in it. And it makes sense, it's not as if this comfort is one-sided. Viktor knows Jayce loves him, that he is devoted to him, and they both need this. Jayce has wanted to give him comfort before, but he's always been afraid to do more than touch his arm or his back. It's easier that it is Viktor's choice, that he is willingly giving it and asking for it.
It makes Jayce bold enough that he reaches out to take Viktor's other hand in his. He doesn't go so far as to thread their fingers together, but he does hold it. He does think about how easy it would be to turn his head. What it would be like to nuzzle Viktor's neck, so close, press his lips against the soft skin. But it's a fleeting thought. Jayce is far more about embracing what he is being allowed. Points of contact, and they feel great. Soothing. He's happy, despite all the pain.
He didn't expect Viktor to answer mostly because it seems so nebulous, to put wants out there like that, but Jayce's breath does get sucked in quickly when Viktor mentions them stopping. He wants to say no. He wants to say don't, please. Jayce lets his breath out slowly and squeezes Viktor's hand. ]
I will be. I'm with you, to whatever end.
[ If it's the end he dreams of, decades from now, that is ideal, but if it is a few months from now, he will have to live with that. And he will be the one that will have to live with it. The point is Jayce is loyal, he is going to stand by Viktor no matter what. If he has to watch him waste away, he will, but he isn't ready to give up.
His thumb caresses the back of Viktor's hand gently. ]
Can we ... stay like this? Just a little longer?
no subject
Date: 2022-05-03 04:31 am (UTC)[It's a lot to ask--almost too much--and it isn't lost on Viktor that Jayce has effectively, gone through this twice. That's how he knows he'll agree, if and when the time comes--he's seen it himself, thanks to the strange exchange of memories.
Truthfully, he doesn't need to be asked if they can stay like this. He's exhausted, not just from trying to find Jayce, but from sharing that memory and trying to process everything in the aftermath. The hand is unexpected, but he supposes that subject matter like this calls for it. If Jayce wants to further ground himself, given everything they're both struggling with, Viktor isn't going to deny him. He thinks he could probably fall asleep like this, but upright on a bench is not exactly conducive to physical comfort. They'll head home, eventually. For now, however, this is enough.]
As long as you need.
[Well, until something cramps, maybe.]