[A whole twenty-five years of one, even. But, maybe he's just trying to convince himself that everything before Jayce was somehow worthwhile, so he says it as gently and as jokingly as possible. Viktor has always been just fine on his own, and he doesn't need Jayce to worry about his capacity to maintain interpersonal relationships. Still, he hasn't exactly been the person he's wanted to be in the last few years, but that's what happens when you spend all your time worrying about your own ticking clock.
He doesn't think he can manage Jayce's grief on top of his own, but it's true that neither of them have really had any time to process. Even knowing it was coming, Viktor himself had allowed himself no time to really absorb his diagnosis, beyond fishing for some measure of comfort from his mentor and finding none. After that, it was back to work--he wasn't sure what else to do, but he knew he wasn't ready to give up.
So it's only natural that all of this is coming out now, when the two of them finally have a moment to breathe. Viktor shifts a little--turns his body at an angle to better watch Jayce's expression, eyebrows knitting together in slight concern. He's been more tactile than usual, recently, but all he can do is hope that he won't go so far as to do something he might regret. Viktor can feel himself pushing that boundary as he puts his hand between Jayce's shoulders for once, but it feels right in this moment, to be this close.]
I know you're afraid of losing me. [I'm afraid of being gone, is what he doesn't say, though he knows it isn't the same thing. Once all is said and done, he won't have any awareness of the void he'll leave. He simply won't exist--Jayce is the one who will need to pick up the pieces.] But I'm not going to leave you if I can help it. I promise.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2022-04-30 06:07 pm (UTC)[A whole twenty-five years of one, even. But, maybe he's just trying to convince himself that everything before Jayce was somehow worthwhile, so he says it as gently and as jokingly as possible. Viktor has always been just fine on his own, and he doesn't need Jayce to worry about his capacity to maintain interpersonal relationships. Still, he hasn't exactly been the person he's wanted to be in the last few years, but that's what happens when you spend all your time worrying about your own ticking clock.
He doesn't think he can manage Jayce's grief on top of his own, but it's true that neither of them have really had any time to process. Even knowing it was coming, Viktor himself had allowed himself no time to really absorb his diagnosis, beyond fishing for some measure of comfort from his mentor and finding none. After that, it was back to work--he wasn't sure what else to do, but he knew he wasn't ready to give up.
So it's only natural that all of this is coming out now, when the two of them finally have a moment to breathe. Viktor shifts a little--turns his body at an angle to better watch Jayce's expression, eyebrows knitting together in slight concern. He's been more tactile than usual, recently, but all he can do is hope that he won't go so far as to do something he might regret. Viktor can feel himself pushing that boundary as he puts his hand between Jayce's shoulders for once, but it feels right in this moment, to be this close.]
I know you're afraid of losing me. [I'm afraid of being gone, is what he doesn't say, though he knows it isn't the same thing. Once all is said and done, he won't have any awareness of the void he'll leave. He simply won't exist--Jayce is the one who will need to pick up the pieces.] But I'm not going to leave you if I can help it. I promise.